Fish Hack at the Fish Wrap

HAIKU MONDAY: On Bad Bets, Pikeminnows and Karma

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 02:36:11 GMT

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where Fish Hack will have to look into selling a few of the Tax Deductions’ extra organs to cover this week’s losses to the Individual Retirement Plan Fish Hack uses to supplement the Fish Wrap’s otherwise stellar overall compensation package.

In other words, this weekend’s bad bets on the NFL have left Fish Hack a little light.

Philly, Jets both lose.
That’s one kidney on e-Bay
From next kid who whines.

For Haiku virgins, Haiku Monday is when Fish Hack busts a few non-rhymes about fishing in the form of Japanese poetry. These three-liners follow a simple format – five syllables, seven syllables and then a five-syllable kicker.

It’s just a goofy way to wax on, wax off about what really matters … messin’ around in Southern Oregon’s wild outdoors.

So Fish Hack had a bad week bettin’ the pigskin Sunday. Did get the high school picks down on the Friday Pick-It Line in Friday’s Fish Wrap. Something about karma that makes Fish Hack all warm inside.

Or is that the bourbon?

One haiku, one shot.
Gotta like this-here genre.
The typing, though, sukkks.

Had karma on the mind after a recent summer steelhead trip on the Rogue River with Fish Hack’s half-lifer, Jeff Barnard. The Barnyard has been Hack’s fishing bud for half of this-here life.

You remember, Barnyard. He’s the goof who I was rowing down the Rogue one day and he’s giving me lip about the Fat Tire beers of mine that he’s drinking gratis. Takes clinkers to do that and not expect to get left on the bank.

Anyway, Barnard’s in the front seat (of course) of my driftboat the other day on a Rogue float down to Galice. Cherry steelhead water.

We move into a slot to fish plugs, and Barnyard starts yakking about reading the Dalai Lama and how enlightenment will never be attainable for either of us.

You see, Barnyard says, you can’t intentionally inflict pain on fish and become enlightened.

Just then, Barnyard’s rod goes down and on goes the tussle with a fresh Rogue summer steelhead.

Or so we thought.

When he yards it to the boat, the steelhead turns out to be ... a northern pikeminnow?

Formerly called squawfish, pikeminnow are a non-native fish in the Rogue that put the T in Trash. They eat baby salmon and steelhead. They are soooo unwanted that anglers on stretches of the Columbia get $5 for every pikeminnow they kill.

And this is a trophy pikeminnow. A 3-pounder.

After a few choice words learned from Barnyard’s sailor-son Nate, my man lays the pikeminnow over his thigh and introduces him to Mr. Fishwhacker.

The contact sounds like it’s surely a double off the wall. Barnyard summarily tosses the carcass to the bank, where even the turkey vultures won’t touch it out. Professional courtesy, of course.

Apparently, karma isn’t all peace, love and understanding for pikeminnows in a steelhead world.

“Pikeminnow have a lot to learn from the Dalai Lama,” Barnyard says. “Gimme a beer.”

Pikeminnow’s karma?
Predators get thumped, then beached.
Don’t mess with steelhead.

HAIKU MONDAY: On Savage Rapids, First Runs and The Smithsonian

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 17:09:14 GMT

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where Fish Hack’s net worth just tripled now that his driftboat is so famous that the Smithsonian might be asking for it.

That’s what happens when it’s the first boat in more than 88 years to negotiate Savage Rapids sans dam.

Setting history:
First boat through Savage Rapids.
That’s worth some mean coin.

For Haiku Monday virgins, this is when Fish Hack drops a few non-rhyme poems Japanese-style about all that’s fishing and boating in Southern Oregon. It’s all part of working at this-here cyber version of this-here Fish Wrap, the closest thing to an honest job that Fish Hack has had since scalping tickets at Detroit Lions football games in the Barry Sanders years.

Think of this as the equivalent of arthritic origami…sure, it fits the genre. But to call this art is like calling a coma a good week’s sleep.

But the story du jour is the reconstituted Savage Rapids, where the Rogue River is now running free for the first time since the dam was built in 1921. More than half the dam’s demolished and on Friday, demolition crews redirected the Rogue through the open area and into its original channel for the first time in 88 years.

Fish Hack sat at the top of the new rapid in the family driftboat, waiting to do a story on the first idiot to run it.

Turns out, the only idiot to run it first is was this one.

Hate makin’ the news.
But no on else would do it.
Hack sets history.

Check out a short column on it HERE

There’s also a video shot from inside the boat as we ran it that you can see HERE.

Ran that sucker blind as boulders the size of obese children dribbled downstream.

All the demolition crews watched, even gave the thumbs up. Film at 11.

Fish Hack’s Willie Boat is all of 18 years old, and washed just once 16 years ago. Took two days to get the friggin’ soap out, so no more of that.

So the boat’s worth maybe $3,000 if sold through Classifieds. Buyer finds out it’s a Fish Hack original and the price likely skyrockets to… $3,020.

But the world watched this boat be the first through Savage Rapids, so it’s a piece of history. An Antiquity, if you will.

Like Fonzi’s leather jacket and the Apollo 9 module, this sucka is destined for America’s Museum of Crap That Once Mattered And No Longer Does.

First boat through Savage.
Hack’s piece in history set.
Won’t sell boat, ever.

HAIKU MONDAY: On Parental Visits, Steelhead and Fly-Rod Firsts

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 17:36:29 GMT

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where the Fish Hack is taking refuge at this-here Fish Wrap as a way of relaxing after a week infestation by the Donor and Host Organism.

Even at age 45, Fish Hack is still the abused and neglected middle child when Ma and Pa Hack come to town.

Family comes callin’
So Fish Hack is week-long host.
Need help from Jim Beam.

You remember Haiku Monday. Fish Hack busts a few non-rhymes in Japanese poetic form. Just sharing a few yucks about the outdoors in three-line stanzas meant to put a little class in Fish Hack’s otherwise low-brow world.

So the ‘Rents visit Medford to watch the two Tax Deductions play fall sports, and it’s all good.

With soccer and football done Sunday, Hack gets the opportunity to get two girls on the upper Rogue River for a very special evening.

With the Host Organism and Tax Deduction No. 2 (known at Lone Pine School as Maggie) in the driftboat and Fish Hack on the sticks, we went in search of their first steelhead on a fly.

Hack’s goal for the eve:
Get one girl her first steelhead.
Nothing more noble.

Host Organism had the fancy Sage rod and Orvis reel that is the best fly combo in Fish Hack’s formidable arsenal. But TD 2 had the most precious.

A lame old Cortland fly rod, something that would go claimed in the Free Bin at most garage sales. Bent guides, the cork in the handle loose so pieces spin. But it’s top-drawer for other reasons.

Fish Hack’s first fly rod, bought with a $55 loan in 1987 from an old bud named Pat Kollodge while at the Blue Heron Fly Shop along the North Umpqua River.

Lotta firsts with that rod, including my first steelhead on a fly.

Betchya didn’t realize how sappy a sentimentalist Fish Hack can be.

Just upstream of Dodge Bridge, 9-year-old Mags is doing the Rogue River Twitch with a juicy bug. WHAM! A steelhead that easily would tip the Toledoes at 8 pounds slams her bug and takes off.

Poor Mags is trying to figure out how to stop the reel from screaming when ... boom. The fish leaps to the sky and spits out her fly.

She couldn’t see over the driftboat transom at what a beautiful fish she scratched.

And just like her Provider, Mags got faced by her first steelhead on a fly much like Fish Hack did half a life ago.

And with the same weapon, that old’ Courtland 6/7 weight.

As soon as she lands her first steelhead with that old rod, it will be retired -- until the day one of her brood climbs in the driftboat in search of his/her first steelhead on a fly.

When one old fly rod
Bridges three generations:
A steelhead family.

HAIKU MONDAY: On Chinook, Back-Row Yelling and Disclaimers

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 15:09:27 GMT

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where Fish Hack is hoping no back-seat Congressman yells "You Lie" here just because the Fish Wrap's report said chinook salmon fishing was good on the middle Rogue River but Ol' Yeller just didn't catch squat.

What? Plan's not working?
Make your point. Just don't name-call
Like it's Parliament.

You remember Haiku Monday. It's when Fish Hack busts a few non-rhymes in Japanese poetry form for not other reason than it's a good gimick. Three-line non-rhymers set in syllabic fashion just for a few yucks about the outdoors.

Labor Day is the end of summer for all but Fish Hack, whose job at the Fish Wrap is to bring the joy of fishing to all you dudes and dude-ettes stuck in your offices reading this-here missive.

Fish Hack is nothing if not a pile-On kinda guy. And ol' Joe Wilson needs a few more bodies on the stack from both sides of the aisle.

Barkin' from the back row like he did in that joint session of Congress reminds me of some of you Fish Heads who complain that the Search and Destroy report in the Fish Wrap is wrong because they did what the report said and didn't catch jack.

Ain't working out like you want, so someone has to pay for it.

One Whack-Job once went so far as to send me a bill for $150 because he spent two days in Gold Beach trolling the bay for chinook and never got a bite.

So, if you go to Crater Lake when it's foggy, do you expect re-embursement from the weather dude?

Sounds like Fish Hack's two Tax Deductions...when they were 4.

"It can't be my fault!"
Well, bet it probably is.
Fish Hack ain't the cause.

Listen, Fish Hack ain't no D and ain't no R. Hack's been a card-carrying Non-Affiliated Voter since that first registration. And I'd vote for anybody who legalized gambling and allowed tax write-offs for alcohol purchases (It's health-care costs, dude).
But this whole shee-bang has taught Fish Hack one thing: The fishing outlook in Thursday's Fish Wrap will carry a new disclaimer...

"Fall chinook fishing
is good now at Finley Bend...
Unless you just suck."

HAIKU MONDAY: On Banned Broadcasts, Underachievement and Steelhead

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 03:36:37 GMT

Welcome back to Haiku Monday, where Fish Hack is wondering if his speech from the Fish Wrap to America's youth will get broadcast in schools Tuesday.

All I want to do is spread the joy of underachievement during steelhead season. That can't be too bad.

Work gets in the way
When steelhead come a-callin.'
Can't cast from office.

You remember Haiku Monday. It's when Fish Hack busts a few non-rhymes in Japanese poetry form for not other reason than it's a good gimmick. Three-line non-rhymers set in syllabic fashion just for a few yucks about the outdoors.

Labor Day is the end of summer for all but Fish Hack, whose job at the Fish Wrap is to bring the joy of fishing to all you dudes and dude-ettes stuck in your offices reading this-here missive.

Fish, then write about it.
Then fish for steelhead some more.
Gotta love this gig.

Videographer Jamie Lusch is joining Fish Hack on the Rogue River between Shady Cove and Dodge Bridge to film the latest segment on the Fish Wrap's online video series on floating and fishing the Rogue, our home water.

Got videos on how to run a raft, how to back-bounce roe for spring chinook salmon and even on the Hatchery Hole.

New ones get posted every Wednesday. Check it out at www.mailtribune.com/rogueriverguide.

Fish Hack gets face time.
This good face for radio
Might break YouTube site.